#16 done. kinda...

Writing to my biological father proved to be very difficult, but maybe not for the reasons you would assume. As I tried to write my thoughts and feelings, all I could think was, "why am I trying to write a letter to someone I don't know? What good will it do to get questions down on paper like, 'how could you not want to be a part of your own daughter's life?' when I won't get answers?" I had pretty much decided I wouldn't mail it (that is, if I could even find out where he lives) because after all this time, I really don't desire a relationship with him.

During all this time, there was a bit of drama with my "dad." (He's my step-dad, but I've known him as my dad since I was 3 years old.) My parents have been divorced for 10 years, and our relationship just hasn't been what I hoped it would be. I feel like he has his own family now, and since I wasn't ever his "blood," that maybe I didn't really mean all that much to him. He actually called me Saturday and asked if we could go to lunch on Sunday to "talk." I knew there was no way I could ever get out everything I wanted to say without being an emotional disaster, so I wrote him a letter. A 4 page letter. I said everything I ever wanted to say to him. Whether things change or not, I feel better about it because I was able to make sure he knows how I feel about our relationship.

And then, as I deal with all this, I get constant reminders from God that I have a Father who will never abandon me... He will never stop loving me. First, I came across this letter:

My Child,

You may not know me, but I know everything about you. Psalm 139:1
I know when you sit down and when you rise up. Psalm 139:2
I am familiar with all your ways. Psalm 139:3
Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. Matthew 10:29-31
For you were made in my image. Genesis 1:27
In me you live and move and have your being. Acts 17:28
For you are my offspring. Acts 17:28
I knew you even before you were conceived. Jeremiah 1:4-5
I chose you when I planned creation. Ephesians 1:11-12
You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book. Psalm 139:15-16
I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live. Acts 17:26
You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14
I knit you together in your mother's womb. Psalm 139:13
And brought you forth on the day you were born. Psalm 71:6
I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me. John 8:41-44
I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love. 1 John 4:16
And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. 1 John 3:1
Simply because you are my child and I am your Father. 1 John 3:1
I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. Matthew 7:11
For I am the perfect father. Matthew 5:48
Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand. James 1:17
For I am your provider and I meet all your needs. Matthew 6:31-33
My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. Jeremiah 29:11
Because I love you with an everlasting love. Jeremiah 31:3
My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore. Psalms 139:17-18
And I rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17
I will never stop doing good to you. Jeremiah 32:40
For you are my treasured possession. Exodus 19:5
I desire to establish youwith all my heart and all my soul. Jeremiah 32:41
And I want to show you great and marvelous things. Jeremiah 33:3
If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me. Deuteronomy 4:29
Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4
For it is I who gave you those desires. Philippians 2:13
I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine. Ephesians 3:20
For I am your greatest encourager. 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17
I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you. Psalm 34:18
As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart. Isaiah 40:11
One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes. Revelation 21:3-4
And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth. Revelation 21:3-4
I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus. John 17:23
For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed. John 17:26
He is the exact representation of my being. Hebrews 1:3
He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you. Romans 8:31
And to tell you that I am not counting your sins. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19
Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19
His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you. 1 John 4:10
I gave up everything I lovedthat I might gain your love. Romans 8:31-32
If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me. 1 John 2:23
And nothing will ever separate you from my love again. Romans 8:38-39
Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen. Luke 15:7
I have always been Father, and will always be Father. Ephesians 3:14-15
My question is…Will you be my child? John 1:12-13
I am waiting for you. Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad -Almighty God

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Then, a friend of mine, Emily, wrote this blog:

http://daddylessdaughters.wordpress.com/ It makes me want to read the book, A Dad-Shaped Hole in My Heart.

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And last, today I saw the video for Nickelback's "Never Gonna Be Alone." The video shows a girl that grows up without her father, but he is still with her always. It made me cry- partly because of the storyline, but partly because once again, I was reminded that I am never alone... God is my Father and He is always there.

#16, done...

#16 continued...

Well, my mind has not really been in the right place to finish the letter to my biological father this week. My Mema ended up in the hospital because of her back, and actually had surgery on Monday morning. I went to be with her and take care of her house/dogs this past weekend, and I've also been trying to prepare for conferences this week- it's that time of year. I'm actually going back this weekend and staying through Tuesday to be with her and help take care of her. So on top of all that I have going on this week, I'm also trying to get sub plans ready for Monday and Tuesday. Whew.

I'm hoping while I'm at Mema's those few days, I might have a little time to myself to "reflect" and write. I will say that what keeps returning to my mind is a day very shortly after when I was truly saved- the day I realized that although I felt like my dad had left me, and so many times when I felt alone and that I "missed" that in my life, that all along I've had a Father that created me, loves me, and will never let me down.

Joshua 1:9 ...Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

#16

#16- Write my biological father a letter...

This is one on the list I keep putting off until the "right time." But I was thinking about it earlier today, and I think this is going to be my project this week. It's not really something I want to sit down and just "do" start to finish... I want to give myself time to start, walk away, come back... and decide if I am going to try to mail it to him. This would require me to actually try to find out where he is (I have no clue). I purposely left #16 open (just "write" him a letter), because I don't know if I want to really open that can of worms... sometimes just getting my feelings out on paper is enough. So I think I will wait until I'm done with the letter to decide if I feel "freed up" of the feelings I have kept bottled up, or if I "need" to mail it.

I will update again later this week when it's done. :)